Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did I show you my penis last night?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
