I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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