You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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