We got so high we made milksteak
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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