To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
