Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
