wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
