I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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