so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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