I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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