Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
