Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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