and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
