Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
