if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
