if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
