i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
