I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She told me I should be a condom model.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
