Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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