so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
