I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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