He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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