Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
