so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
