God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
