3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
