Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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