Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Soap is not a condiment
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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