He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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