I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
