can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
