Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
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Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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