normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
