i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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