I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
