I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
