I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
