Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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