My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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