when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize