Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
