I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
