Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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