I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
