I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
