Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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