just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
