he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
