that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
