Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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