last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
