i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
