im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i out mim tonsoeep
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