what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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