I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
