Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
